My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
You Might Also Like
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.