I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
HOW DARE YOU
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Buying a well is money well spent.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants