I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
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Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
worst…sale…ever
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same