*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
You Might Also Like
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
if my sleeping schedule was a person
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.