Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
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Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Everyone’s family
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.