One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
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When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]