Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie