[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
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If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
for all #parents out there
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
There is no “we” in chocolate.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
it was love at first sight
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.