[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
happy friday
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!