Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
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I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Hotels are back
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes