Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*