COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.