Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?