The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
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[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Dammit Chief not again
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating