I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
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I would give up shouting at trees for you.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Still no clue what the time is.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I feel it
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.