I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
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Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Communication is hard
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body
Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn