I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
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My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting