Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
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Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Something Saturday.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁