Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver