Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.