Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.