Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
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If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨