Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.