Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
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I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.