Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
The little toadstool has spoken.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….