Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
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Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
had to make it
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.