genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
You Might Also Like
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.