Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
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Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.