I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.