I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see