[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.