Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
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My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
The Birdles
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.