@lazerdoov

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

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@MelvinofYork

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

@Darlainky

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

@hyperblastchic

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

@brendohare

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

@Skullcat

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

@Kadayo_Takamini

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

@reallifemommy3

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

@WheelTod

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

@SummerRay

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack