The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me


Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.


Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.


Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn


I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.


She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.


I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one


Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.


Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack