The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Has there ever been a more American story?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”