I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
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English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Overindulged this afternoon.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.