Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
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Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
this FaceApp is creepy af
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me