Deer are just ballerina dogs
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.