[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
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This is enough internet for the day.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
😆this is so true
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza