[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
You Might Also Like
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.