Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
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What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.