*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
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Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
The Others (2001)
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My time has come.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?