Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall