pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
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mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
The human personality is made of five key elements
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Where’s my employee discount too?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I feel it
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Super Hand Dog Face
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.