ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
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If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.