“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
You Might Also Like
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night