Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
You Might Also Like
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Gods work.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
What
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.