Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
She: I like Cats
He:
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
When the stylist spins you back around
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.