*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
You Might Also Like
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this