Untitled Goose Game (2019)
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
omg leave her alone
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.