Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 馃幎…
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sl谩inte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn鈥檛 say things like that?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that鈥檚 not how Clue works
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I worry that without my car鈥檚 skid warning light I鈥檇 have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.