me when the borders lift
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ouch
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine