DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
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hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Mistakes were made
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.