Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Grandmother clock.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood