My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?